A signal that reaches the other person directlyHow they want to receive love: Words of affirmation
RLOEI → SLOAN
A signal that reaches the other person directly
SLOAN → RLOEI
A signal to make clearer
How they want to receive love
They want different signalsPhysical touch · Words of affirmation
Comparison by type
The love expressions you each want
The two codes' expressions overlap in only one direction. Ask each other directly which expressions you actually want.
RLOEI→SLOAN
A signal that reaches the other person directly
In the code data, RLOEI's Words of affirmation expression overlaps with SLOAN's receiving expression.
SLOAN→RLOEI
A signal to make clearer
RLOEI wants to receive Physical touch. A gesture SLOAN could try: Ask before making contact and wait for a clear yes. Respect no, and stop immediately whenever they ask, even after touch has begun.
One move today
If you both agree, try having type RLOEI express affection through ‘Words of affirmation’ and type SLOAN through ‘Physical touch’, then ask each other how it felt.
Love language
Our map of love signals
The giving and receiving expressions assigned to each type code are shown side by side. Use them to start asking each other which words and actions are actually welcome.
Love language
RLOEI
SLOAN
Quality time
—
—
Words of affirmation
Gives
GivesWants
Physical touch
Wants
—
Acts of service
Gives
—
Receiving gifts
—
Gives
Where you meet
In the code data, RLOEI's Words of affirmation expression overlaps with SLOAN's receiving expression.
Love language
Five situations for expressing affection
A personality profile is only a conversation starter. Ask each other which expressions you actually like and confirm them together.
01
An invitation to open up
1Propose
2Choose together
3Make the next plan
RLOEI → SLOAN · Words of affirmation
Familiar expression
RLOEI tells SLOAN why the invitation matters: ‘I love hearing what has been on your mind. Could we make a little time for just us this week?’
SLOAN → RLOEI · Physical touch
New expression to try
SLOAN asks RLOEI before any contact: ‘Would you like to hold hands while we walk?’ Welcome a no without pressure, and if they say yes, stop immediately whenever they ask.
What is one thing you would enjoy doing together this week?
02
Beside you on a hard day
1Ask what helps
2Choose the support
3Confirm understanding
RLOEI → SLOAN · Words of affirmation
Familiar expression
RLOEI names what SLOAN has carried: ‘You worked hard just getting through that today. I want you to know I am on your side before we look for answers.’
SLOAN → RLOEI · Physical touch
New expression to try
SLOAN asks RLOEI, ‘Would a hug help, or would space feel better?’ Accept no with ease, and even after a yes, stop immediately if they signal that they want you to stop.
Would listening, solving one thing together, or giving you room feel best right now?
03
Checking before getting closer
1Ask clearly
2Wait for explicit yes
3Stop when asked
RLOEI → SLOAN · Words of affirmation
Familiar expression
RLOEI asks SLOAN which affectionate words feel comfortable and which feel like pressure. Confirm, ‘Is it okay if I often say I like you? Please tell me whenever it feels uncomfortable.’
SLOAN → RLOEI · Physical touch
New expression to try
SLOAN names the exact kind and location of the touch and asks RLOEI, ‘May I hug you now?’ Do nothing without a clear yes, accept no without pressure, and stop immediately at any point they ask.
What kind of closeness feels good today, and what do you not want?
04
Mending after a miss
1State the facts
2Name the impact
3Choose the next action
RLOEI → SLOAN · Words of affirmation
Familiar expression
RLOEI acknowledges the impact on SLOAN before offering excuses: ‘I missed our agreed time, and that made you feel unimportant. I am sorry; next time I will message before I am late.’
SLOAN → RLOEI · Physical touch
New expression to try
SLOAN does not assume RLOEI wants a make-up hug and asks, ‘Would holding hands feel okay now?’ Accept no without pressure, and after a yes, stop immediately whenever they ask.
What happened, how did it affect us, and what will we do differently next time?
05
Drawing the next chapter
1Share wishes
2Agree on roles
3Revisit together
RLOEI → SLOAN · Words of affirmation
Familiar expression
RLOEI and SLOAN each choose one sentence they would like to hear more often. ‘It helps when you notice my effort’ gives the other something real to try and revisit next month.
SLOAN → RLOEI · Physical touch
New expression to try
SLOAN asks RLOEI which kinds of affection may feel comfortable in the future and which touch to avoid. Agree to ask every time, respect no, and stop immediately whenever either person changes their mind.
What future do we each want, how will we share the roles, and when will we revisit the plan?
Love language
A conversation about fitting your lives together
Personality types can start a conversation; the two of you decide how daily life works. Open a topic and compare your real answers.
01Money and gifts
Ask each other
When would you split a date equally, and when would each pay for what they ordered?
Check pressure and boundaries
What spending or gift price would feel burdensome, and is a return gift ever expected?
Try one agreement
Before the next date, agree on a comfortable budget and how you will pay.
02Friends and time alone
Ask each other
How much time with friends, together, and alone feels comfortable in a typical week?
Check pressure and boundaries
Can either person decline a friend gathering or the publication of a photo of you together without pressure?
Try one agreement
Protect one block of personal time each and decide how to flag schedule conflicts.
03Daily tasks and care
Ask each other
Which recurring task would each of you like to take on, and which feels hard?
Check pressure and boundaries
What sign would tell you the split has become unfair or exhausting?
Try one agreement
Choose one task to divide this week, then check the workload together next week.
04The pace of future plans
Ask each other
Which next step, travel, living together, or a longer plan, would you like to discuss now?
Check pressure and boundaries
Which decision are you not ready for or do not want?
Try one agreement
Without rushing a decision, choose when to revisit the conversation and what to ask then.
Love notes for both types
01
How they show love
RLOEIThe Possibility Seeker
In love you are passionate, spontaneous and romantic. You will suddenly plan something special for the person you love, or express what you feel in a way they never saw coming. You are good at generating the flutter of a relationship's early days, and you have a talent for creating moments that make a partner feel singular. When you love, you pour your whole heart in.
SLOANThe Collaborative Achiever
You want to do well at love too. You want to be the best partner they could have, and that intention shows in planning and preparation. You remember the anniversaries and store away what they mentioned in passing to bring out later. It is closer to proving love than giving it, so when the response falls short of what you hoped, it shakes you badly.
02
What they need
RLOEIThe Possibility Seeker
You need a partner who can take your creativity and spontaneity as they come. Someone who does not judge your emotional swings as “unstable” but understands them as part of you. You are happiest with a partner who is curious about your ideas and gets excited with you, or who at minimum does not look at them as odd.
SLOANThe Collaborative Achiever
You need someone who tells you that you are fine regardless of any outcome. A partner who is only warm when you have done well will grow your anxiety. You are most at ease with someone who treats you at the same temperature on the days you achieved nothing, and who reads how hard you try as affection rather than pressure.
03
How closeness unfolds
RLOEIThe Possibility Seeker
A pattern can recur in which the intense connection of the early days gets buried in daily routine over time. Your nature seeks the new, which makes things feel slightly dull precisely as the relationship stabilises. And when you do not fully account for how your swings land on your partner, they end up confused.
SLOANThe Collaborative Achiever
Early on you pour everything in. It deepens faster than they expected and your plans run a long way ahead. Once the relationship steadies, you start asking yourself instead, “is this enough?”. You tend to read their smallest non-reaction as a verdict, so even on days when nothing happened you may be quietly scoring yourself.
04
What to mind in the relationship
RLOEIThe Possibility Seeker
You also need to practice seeing things through in a relationship. You can find a different kind of satisfaction in caring deeply for the relationship you already have, without creating something new every day.
A routine with your partner can mean comfort and trust rather than boredom. Learning to see it that way helps the relationship grow deeper. Remember that consistently keeping small promises builds trust.
SLOANThe Collaborative Achiever
Your partner needs to know that your effort is itself an expression of affection. Preparing something is not showing off. It is care.
Still, there is something for you to practice: letting yourself feel, on the days you simply meet with nothing prepared, that the relationship has not shrunk. Only once that feeling piles up does the anxiety come down.
05
What triggers the guard
RLOEIThe Possibility Seeker
It is triggered when your creative expression or ideas are criticized, or when you hear that they are “not realistic”. Also, when a promise or a schedule collapses and your partner voices disappointment, your feelings surge along with an internal “failed again”. The largest trigger is the sense that your instability has become a burden on the relationship.
SLOANThe Collaborative Achiever
Your guard rises when your effort is taken as a given and when you are compared to someone else. In particular, hearing “anyone could do that much” about something you put care into is a sentence that stays a long time. A stretch where their attention noticeably thins calls up the same reaction.
06
How distance shows up
RLOEIThe Possibility Seeker
When feeling rises, your actions change before your words. You suddenly go quiet, replies slow, and at worst you cut off all contact. Asked “what's wrong?”, you answer “nothing” while inside everything is already churning.
SLOANThe Collaborative Achiever
Outwardly you try harder. Instead of saying you were hurt you raise the intensity to draw a reaction, and when that does not work the feeling breaks out all at once. Afterwards you know yourself that the words came out heavier than what you actually felt.
07
What brings them back
RLOEIThe Possibility Seeker
You wait in your own space for the feeling to settle by itself. Making something, or chasing a new idea, often becomes the channel of recovery. If the other person offers acknowledgement or praise first, you recover fast, and that warmth reopens the door to connection.
SLOANThe Collaborative Achiever
After a fierce eruption you blame yourself and are the one to try for peace. Rather than apologizing directly you tend to make up for it in action: trying harder, or preparing something particular. You do not fully settle until they say clearly that it is all right, and only when that confirmation arrives does your energy come back.
Quality time
Words of affirmation
Physical touch
Acts of service
Receiving gifts