A signal to make clearerHow they want to receive love: Words of affirmation
RLUAN → SLOAI
A signal to make clearer
SLOAI → RLUAN
A signal that reaches the other person directly
How they want to receive love
They want the same signalWords of affirmation
Comparison by type
The love expressions you each want
The two codes' expressions overlap in only one direction. Ask each other directly which expressions you actually want.
RLUAN→SLOAI
A signal to make clearer
SLOAI wants to receive Words of affirmation. A gesture RLUAN could try: Do not put off saying “thank you” or “it is thanks to you”; say it that same day.
SLOAI→RLUAN
A signal that reaches the other person directly
In the code data, SLOAI's Words of affirmation expression overlaps with RLUAN's receiving expression.
One move today
If you both agree, choose one Words of affirmation expression today, try it and briefly ask how it felt.
Love language
Our map of love signals
The giving and receiving expressions assigned to each type code are shown side by side. Use them to start asking each other which words and actions are actually welcome.
Love language
RLUAN
SLOAI
Quality time
Gives
Gives
Words of affirmation
Wants
GivesWants
Physical touch
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Acts of service
—
—
Receiving gifts
Gives
—
Where you meet
In the code data, SLOAI's Words of affirmation expression overlaps with RLUAN's receiving expression.
Love language
Five situations for expressing affection
A personality profile is only a conversation starter. Ask each other which expressions you actually like and confirm them together.
01
An invitation to open up
1Propose
2Choose together
3Make the next plan
RLUAN → SLOAI · Words of affirmation
New expression to try
RLUAN tells SLOAI why the invitation matters: ‘I love hearing what has been on your mind. Could we make a little time for just us this week?’
SLOAI → RLUAN · Words of affirmation
Familiar expression
SLOAI tells RLUAN why the invitation matters: ‘I love hearing what has been on your mind. Could we make a little time for just us this week?’
What is one thing you would enjoy doing together this week?
02
Beside you on a hard day
1Ask what helps
2Choose the support
3Confirm understanding
RLUAN → SLOAI · Words of affirmation
New expression to try
RLUAN names what SLOAI has carried: ‘You worked hard just getting through that today. I want you to know I am on your side before we look for answers.’
SLOAI → RLUAN · Words of affirmation
Familiar expression
SLOAI names what RLUAN has carried: ‘You worked hard just getting through that today. I want you to know I am on your side before we look for answers.’
Would listening, solving one thing together, or giving you room feel best right now?
03
Checking before getting closer
1Ask clearly
2Wait for explicit yes
3Stop when asked
RLUAN → SLOAI · Words of affirmation
New expression to try
RLUAN asks SLOAI which affectionate words feel comfortable and which feel like pressure. Confirm, ‘Is it okay if I often say I like you? Please tell me whenever it feels uncomfortable.’
SLOAI → RLUAN · Words of affirmation
Familiar expression
SLOAI asks RLUAN which affectionate words feel comfortable and which feel like pressure. Confirm, ‘Is it okay if I often say I like you? Please tell me whenever it feels uncomfortable.’
What kind of closeness feels good today, and what do you not want?
04
Mending after a miss
1State the facts
2Name the impact
3Choose the next action
RLUAN → SLOAI · Words of affirmation
New expression to try
RLUAN acknowledges the impact on SLOAI before offering excuses: ‘I missed our agreed time, and that made you feel unimportant. I am sorry; next time I will message before I am late.’
SLOAI → RLUAN · Words of affirmation
Familiar expression
SLOAI acknowledges the impact on RLUAN before offering excuses: ‘I missed our agreed time, and that made you feel unimportant. I am sorry; next time I will message before I am late.’
What happened, how did it affect us, and what will we do differently next time?
05
Drawing the next chapter
1Share wishes
2Agree on roles
3Revisit together
RLUAN → SLOAI · Words of affirmation
New expression to try
RLUAN and SLOAI each choose one sentence they would like to hear more often. ‘It helps when you notice my effort’ gives the other something real to try and revisit next month.
SLOAI → RLUAN · Words of affirmation
Familiar expression
SLOAI and RLUAN each choose one sentence they would like to hear more often. ‘It helps when you notice my effort’ gives the other something real to try and revisit next month.
What future do we each want, how will we share the roles, and when will we revisit the plan?
Love language
A conversation about fitting your lives together
Personality types can start a conversation; the two of you decide how daily life works. Open a topic and compare your real answers.
01Money and gifts
Ask each other
When would you split a date equally, and when would each pay for what they ordered?
Check pressure and boundaries
What spending or gift price would feel burdensome, and is a return gift ever expected?
Try one agreement
Before the next date, agree on a comfortable budget and how you will pay.
02Friends and time alone
Ask each other
How much time with friends, together, and alone feels comfortable in a typical week?
Check pressure and boundaries
Can either person decline a friend gathering or the publication of a photo of you together without pressure?
Try one agreement
Protect one block of personal time each and decide how to flag schedule conflicts.
03Daily tasks and care
Ask each other
Which recurring task would each of you like to take on, and which feels hard?
Check pressure and boundaries
What sign would tell you the split has become unfair or exhausting?
Try one agreement
Choose one task to divide this week, then check the workload together next week.
04The pace of future plans
Ask each other
Which next step, travel, living together, or a longer plan, would you like to discuss now?
Check pressure and boundaries
Which decision are you not ready for or do not want?
Try one agreement
Without rushing a decision, choose when to revisit the conversation and what to ask then.
Love notes for both types
01
How they show love
RLUANThe Principled Thinker
You hold to your own way in love as well. You do not try to fit their expectations, and you convey affection in the way you are able to express it. Misunderstanding arises when that does not reach them sufficiently. For you love shows in how you are while together, more than in declarations or occasions.
SLOAIThe Caring Connector
In a relationship you are a warm partner who cares deeply. You watch their mood closely and try to have what they need ready in advance. You remember and prepare for the days that matter, and you treat the time you spend together as precious.
You will willingly make plans and put in effort for the person you love, and the wish to grow the relationship into something beautiful shows in what you do. Early on you express your feelings especially strongly, giving them enough focused attention and affection to feel overwhelming.
02
What they need
RLUANThe Principled Thinker
You need a partner who respects your judgment. Someone who, even in disagreement, does not conclude that your thinking is wrong and can work it out through conversation. You also need someone who is not afraid of your swings and can stay present through them. A partner who knows that your sharpness is not an attack.
SLOAIThe Caring Connector
What you most need in a relationship is consistent reassurance. Your anxiety climbs sharply whenever you are unsure how they see you. Questions fill your head: why so little contact today, what was that expression about.
What settles that anxiety is not a spectacular occasion but steady small expressions. One line, “I'm glad you're here”, and a gaze that stays fully with you mid-conversation, count for more to you than anything.
03
How closeness unfolds
RLUANThe Principled Thinker
Early on you try to hold an independent stance and are wary of depending on anyone. But once trust is built you want to connect more deeply than you expected. In conflict you tend to assert your position hard and wait for the other to fold first. Over the long run that builds tension in the relationship.
SLOAIThe Caring Connector
In the stretches where feeling rises hard, you may ask for confirmation or do things that look like clinging. In conflict you hold it in and then let it out all at once, or conversely apologize too quickly to move past it, leaving the substance of the disagreement unresolved. When they say something critical you look fine on the surface while carrying the wound for a long time inside.
04
What to mind in the relationship
RLUANThe Principled Thinker
The growth you need is learning how to say a thing in a way that does not wound the other person even when you are right. Training yourself to step back briefly when feeling runs high helps too. Remember that making them feel understood does more for a relationship's survival than persuading them.
SLOAIThe Caring Connector
The partner who suits you is someone who puts feeling into words. Someone who does not dismiss your anxiety as “being too sensitive” and can talk honestly and kindly. You need a steady presence who listens when you unload the thoughts and worries you have been chewing on, and who at the same time can bring you gently back to the ground. They also need the room to understand and wait for you when you need recovery time alone.
05
What triggers the guard
RLUANThe Principled Thinker
Hearing that your judgment or your opinion is wrong lands as a heavy emotional blow. Resistance rises strongly in particular when you feel your partner is trying to change your way or push you into something. “That's wrong” is a far larger trigger than “why do you think that?”.
SLOAIThe Caring Connector
Your feeling drops sharply when they respond to you with indifference, or when you sense that the energy you poured in is being taken for granted. Anxiety and hurt rise together when conflict comes and they do not open the conversation first, or keep a cold distance, and when you feel the relationship is only running along the surface.
06
How distance shows up
RLUANThe Principled Thinker
When your mood turns, your words sharpen and it comes out in ways that wound the other person unintentionally. Or conversely you close up entirely and go cold, answering only in single words. You say “it's nothing” while your voice and manner send an entirely different signal.
SLOAIThe Caring Connector
At first you try to hold it and let it pass, but it stacks up inside and at some point comes out too large. Other times you apologize too fast just to end it, so your own feeling never gets across. Often it shows indirectly, in a hurt expression or a change in the tone of your voice.
07
What brings them back
RLUANThe Principled Thinker
You need time alone to sort through the situation and look back at your own reaction. Once you have done that, you can recognize that you want the other person to acknowledge you first and begin expressing that need directly. When they acknowledge even part of your judgment, it becomes easier for the two of you to talk openly again.
SLOAIThe Caring Connector
You apologize first, or try to soften the atmosphere. After a conflict you retrace the scene in your time alone, sort the feeling, and when you are ready you carefully reopen the conversation. If they respond honestly you recover comparatively fast, but if the conflict fizzles out without being explicitly resolved it stays caught in you for a long time.
Quality time
Words of affirmation
Physical touch
Acts of service
Receiving gifts