SLOANThe Dramatic Achiever
What they need
You need someone who tells you that you are fine regardless of any outcome. A partner who is only warm when you have done well will grow your anxiety. You are most at ease with someone who treats you at the same temperature on the days you achieved nothing, and who reads how hard you try as affection rather than pressure.
What to mind in the relationship
Your partner needs to know that your effort is itself an expression of affection. Preparing something is not showing off. It is care. Still, there is something for you to practice: letting yourself feel, on the days you simply meet with nothing prepared, that the relationship has not shrunk. Only once that feeling piles up does the anxiety come down.
What triggers the guard
Your guard rises when your effort is taken as a given and when you are compared to someone else. In particular, hearing “anyone could do that much” about something you put care into is a sentence that stays a long time. A stretch where their attention noticeably thins calls up the same reaction.
What brings them back
After a fierce eruption you blame yourself and are the one to try for peace. Rather than apologizing directly you tend to make up for it in action: trying harder, or preparing something particular. You do not fully settle until they say clearly that it is all right, and only when that confirmation arrives does your energy come back.