A signal that reaches the other person directlyHow they want to receive love: Physical touch
SLUAN → RLOEN
A signal that reaches the other person directly
RLOEN → SLUAN
A signal to make clearer
How they want to receive love
They want different signalsWords of affirmation · Physical touch
Comparison by type
The love expressions you each want
The two codes' expressions overlap in only one direction. Ask each other directly which expressions you actually want.
SLUAN→RLOEN
A signal that reaches the other person directly
In the code data, SLUAN's Physical touch expression overlaps with RLOEN's receiving expression.
RLOEN→SLUAN
A signal to make clearer
SLUAN wants to receive Words of affirmation. A gesture RLOEN could try: Do not put off saying “thank you” or “it is thanks to you”; say it that same day.
One move today
If you both agree, try having type SLUAN express affection through ‘Physical touch’ and type RLOEN through ‘Words of affirmation’, then ask each other how it felt.
Love language
Our map of love signals
The giving and receiving expressions assigned to each type code are shown side by side. Use them to start asking each other which words and actions are actually welcome.
Love language
SLUAN
RLOEN
Quality time
—
—
Words of affirmation
Wants
—
Physical touch
Gives
GivesWants
Acts of service
—
Gives
Receiving gifts
Gives
—
Where you meet
In the code data, SLUAN's Physical touch expression overlaps with RLOEN's receiving expression.
Love language
Five situations for expressing affection
A personality profile is only a conversation starter. Ask each other which expressions you actually like and confirm them together.
01
An invitation to open up
1Propose
2Choose together
3Make the next plan
SLUAN → RLOEN · Physical touch
Familiar expression
SLUAN asks RLOEN before any contact: ‘Would you like to hold hands while we walk?’ Welcome a no without pressure, and if they say yes, stop immediately whenever they ask.
RLOEN → SLUAN · Words of affirmation
New expression to try
RLOEN tells SLUAN why the invitation matters: ‘I love hearing what has been on your mind. Could we make a little time for just us this week?’
What is one thing you would enjoy doing together this week?
02
Beside you on a hard day
1Ask what helps
2Choose the support
3Confirm understanding
SLUAN → RLOEN · Physical touch
Familiar expression
SLUAN asks RLOEN, ‘Would a hug help, or would space feel better?’ Accept no with ease, and even after a yes, stop immediately if they signal that they want you to stop.
RLOEN → SLUAN · Words of affirmation
New expression to try
RLOEN names what SLUAN has carried: ‘You worked hard just getting through that today. I want you to know I am on your side before we look for answers.’
Would listening, solving one thing together, or giving you room feel best right now?
03
Checking before getting closer
1Ask clearly
2Wait for explicit yes
3Stop when asked
SLUAN → RLOEN · Physical touch
Familiar expression
SLUAN names the exact kind and location of the touch and asks RLOEN, ‘May I hug you now?’ Do nothing without a clear yes, accept no without pressure, and stop immediately at any point they ask.
RLOEN → SLUAN · Words of affirmation
New expression to try
RLOEN asks SLUAN which affectionate words feel comfortable and which feel like pressure. Confirm, ‘Is it okay if I often say I like you? Please tell me whenever it feels uncomfortable.’
What kind of closeness feels good today, and what do you not want?
04
Mending after a miss
1State the facts
2Name the impact
3Choose the next action
SLUAN → RLOEN · Physical touch
Familiar expression
SLUAN does not assume RLOEN wants a make-up hug and asks, ‘Would holding hands feel okay now?’ Accept no without pressure, and after a yes, stop immediately whenever they ask.
RLOEN → SLUAN · Words of affirmation
New expression to try
RLOEN acknowledges the impact on SLUAN before offering excuses: ‘I missed our agreed time, and that made you feel unimportant. I am sorry; next time I will message before I am late.’
What happened, how did it affect us, and what will we do differently next time?
05
Drawing the next chapter
1Share wishes
2Agree on roles
3Revisit together
SLUAN → RLOEN · Physical touch
Familiar expression
SLUAN asks RLOEN which kinds of affection may feel comfortable in the future and which touch to avoid. Agree to ask every time, respect no, and stop immediately whenever either person changes their mind.
RLOEN → SLUAN · Words of affirmation
New expression to try
RLOEN and SLUAN each choose one sentence they would like to hear more often. ‘It helps when you notice my effort’ gives the other something real to try and revisit next month.
What future do we each want, how will we share the roles, and when will we revisit the plan?
Love language
A conversation about fitting your lives together
Personality types can start a conversation; the two of you decide how daily life works. Open a topic and compare your real answers.
01Money and gifts
Ask each other
When would you split a date equally, and when would each pay for what they ordered?
Check pressure and boundaries
What spending or gift price would feel burdensome, and is a return gift ever expected?
Try one agreement
Before the next date, agree on a comfortable budget and how you will pay.
02Friends and time alone
Ask each other
How much time with friends, together, and alone feels comfortable in a typical week?
Check pressure and boundaries
Can either person decline a friend gathering or the publication of a photo of you together without pressure?
Try one agreement
Protect one block of personal time each and decide how to flag schedule conflicts.
03Daily tasks and care
Ask each other
Which recurring task would each of you like to take on, and which feels hard?
Check pressure and boundaries
What sign would tell you the split has become unfair or exhausting?
Try one agreement
Choose one task to divide this week, then check the workload together next week.
04The pace of future plans
Ask each other
Which next step, travel, living together, or a longer plan, would you like to discuss now?
Check pressure and boundaries
Which decision are you not ready for or do not want?
Try one agreement
Without rushing a decision, choose when to revisit the conversation and what to ask then.
Love notes for both types
01
How they show love
SLUANThe Person of Conviction
You express love intensely. When someone interests you, you do not hide it and quickly become deeply involved in their life. Relationships without much passion do not interest you. You open your heart to someone who can pursue something wholeheartedly with you and share its emotional ups and downs.
RLOENThe Quiet Individualist
In love, you are intense and exclusive. Once you open your heart, its depth is considerable, and you know how rare it is to invite a partner into your inner world. There is a side of you visible only before the person you love, and that is the real you, which no one else in the world sees.
02
What they need
SLUANThe Person of Conviction
You need a partner who respects your energy and your direction. A partner who sees you as someone “to be corrected”, or expects you to become milder or more considerate, burns the relationship out fast. What lasts is a relationship with someone who is not afraid of your intensity and in fact finds it interesting, someone with a fairly independent and strong self of their own.
RLOENThe Quiet Individualist
You need a partner who will accept your way without forcing theirs. If questions like “why do you not tidy your room?”, “why do you not make plans?”, “why do you avoid people?” repeat, you gradually close. Instead, you need someone who is curious about your world and can see that distinctiveness as a trait, not a defect.
03
How closeness unfolds
SLUANThe Person of Conviction
You start fast and hot. You are often ahead of the speed they can follow. When the relationship quietens you read that calm as cooling, and sometimes you are the one to put distance first. In conflict you do not retreat and go straight at it, so sometimes they are startled by that intensity and the relationship as a whole starts to feel heavy to them.
RLOENThe Quiet Individualist
A pattern that repeats in relationships is suddenly shutting off when emotion intensifies. By cutting contact or leaving the spot at a moment when conversation is needed, you sometimes leave your partner confused and hurt. Also, because you hide your own way early in a relationship, at some point your partner ends up feeling “this person is different from who I thought.”
04
What to mind in the relationship
SLUANThe Person of Conviction
Your partner needs to know that your intensity is interest, not an attack. A forceful tone means that you take the relationship seriously.
Even so, there is something for you to work on: try saying the same thing in a lower voice and notice that your feelings still come across when you speak less forcefully.
RLOENThe Quiet Individualist
When emotion intensifies, instead of shutting off, practice saying “I need time to process right now.” This becomes a signal to your partner that you are not disappearing but will return.
It is okay not to open all the way. Practicing sharing little by little, as much as you feel safe, is what makes a relationship sustainable.
05
What triggers the guard
SLUANThe Person of Conviction
Your guard rises when you feel controlled and when your judgment is treated lightly. In particular “calm down a bit” does not settle the feeling at all; it makes you weigh the entire relationship again.
RLOENThe Quiet Individualist
Strong resistance rises when you feel your way or your space is being intruded upon, or when change or commitment is demanded in the relationship. It is triggered especially strongly when a partner demands change one-sidedly without explaining the reason. The words “I cannot understand you” are the biggest trigger.
06
How distance shows up
SLUANThe Person of Conviction
It shows immediately. Your face and tone change first, and if it comes to it you will put the whole future of the relationship on the table right there. Looking back later you realize that what you actually wanted to say in that moment was far simpler.
RLOENThe Quiet Individualist
When your feelings become intense, you withdraw completely. You stop responding or physically leave. Because you cope by avoiding contact rather than having an outburst, your partner may struggle to understand what happened. You rethink everything privately but say nothing.
07
What brings them back
SLUANThe Person of Conviction
You recover when they do not retreat and stay where they are. That stance of “even so, I'm here” works far more powerfully than an apology. Once recovered, you are usually the one who throws out the first joke to bring the air back.
RLOENThe Quiet Individualist
You can return only after recharging enough in a space of your own. If the other person forces or interrogates, you only grow more distant. The relationship recovers when you say “I need time to process right now” and then actually come back, again and again. Their patience is what makes that recovery possible.
Quality time
Words of affirmation
Physical touch
Acts of service
Receiving gifts