A signal to make clearerHow they want to receive love: Words of affirmation
SLUEN → SLUAN
A signal to make clearer
SLUAN → SLUEN
A signal that reaches the other person directly
How they want to receive love
They want different signalsPhysical touch · Words of affirmation
Comparison by type
The love expressions you each want
The two codes' expressions overlap in only one direction. Ask each other directly which expressions you actually want.
SLUEN→SLUAN
A signal to make clearer
SLUAN wants to receive Words of affirmation. A gesture SLUEN could try: Do not put off saying “thank you” or “it is thanks to you”; say it that same day.
SLUAN→SLUEN
A signal that reaches the other person directly
In the code data, SLUAN's Physical touch expression overlaps with SLUEN's receiving expression.
One move today
If you both agree, try having type SLUEN express affection through ‘Words of affirmation’ and type SLUAN through ‘Physical touch’, then ask each other how it felt.
Love language
Our map of love signals
The giving and receiving expressions assigned to each type code are shown side by side. Use them to start asking each other which words and actions are actually welcome.
Love language
SLUEN
SLUAN
Quality time
—
—
Words of affirmation
—
Wants
Physical touch
GivesWants
Gives
Acts of service
Gives
—
Receiving gifts
—
Gives
Where you meet
In the code data, SLUAN's Physical touch expression overlaps with SLUEN's receiving expression.
Love language
Five situations for expressing affection
A personality profile is only a conversation starter. Ask each other which expressions you actually like and confirm them together.
01
An invitation to open up
1Propose
2Choose together
3Make the next plan
SLUEN → SLUAN · Words of affirmation
New expression to try
SLUEN tells SLUAN why the invitation matters: ‘I love hearing what has been on your mind. Could we make a little time for just us this week?’
SLUAN → SLUEN · Physical touch
Familiar expression
SLUAN asks SLUEN before any contact: ‘Would you like to hold hands while we walk?’ Welcome a no without pressure, and if they say yes, stop immediately whenever they ask.
What is one thing you would enjoy doing together this week?
02
Beside you on a hard day
1Ask what helps
2Choose the support
3Confirm understanding
SLUEN → SLUAN · Words of affirmation
New expression to try
SLUEN names what SLUAN has carried: ‘You worked hard just getting through that today. I want you to know I am on your side before we look for answers.’
SLUAN → SLUEN · Physical touch
Familiar expression
SLUAN asks SLUEN, ‘Would a hug help, or would space feel better?’ Accept no with ease, and even after a yes, stop immediately if they signal that they want you to stop.
Would listening, solving one thing together, or giving you room feel best right now?
03
Checking before getting closer
1Ask clearly
2Wait for explicit yes
3Stop when asked
SLUEN → SLUAN · Words of affirmation
New expression to try
SLUEN asks SLUAN which affectionate words feel comfortable and which feel like pressure. Confirm, ‘Is it okay if I often say I like you? Please tell me whenever it feels uncomfortable.’
SLUAN → SLUEN · Physical touch
Familiar expression
SLUAN names the exact kind and location of the touch and asks SLUEN, ‘May I hug you now?’ Do nothing without a clear yes, accept no without pressure, and stop immediately at any point they ask.
What kind of closeness feels good today, and what do you not want?
04
Mending after a miss
1State the facts
2Name the impact
3Choose the next action
SLUEN → SLUAN · Words of affirmation
New expression to try
SLUEN acknowledges the impact on SLUAN before offering excuses: ‘I missed our agreed time, and that made you feel unimportant. I am sorry; next time I will message before I am late.’
SLUAN → SLUEN · Physical touch
Familiar expression
SLUAN does not assume SLUEN wants a make-up hug and asks, ‘Would holding hands feel okay now?’ Accept no without pressure, and after a yes, stop immediately whenever they ask.
What happened, how did it affect us, and what will we do differently next time?
05
Drawing the next chapter
1Share wishes
2Agree on roles
3Revisit together
SLUEN → SLUAN · Words of affirmation
New expression to try
SLUEN and SLUAN each choose one sentence they would like to hear more often. ‘It helps when you notice my effort’ gives the other something real to try and revisit next month.
SLUAN → SLUEN · Physical touch
Familiar expression
SLUAN asks SLUEN which kinds of affection may feel comfortable in the future and which touch to avoid. Agree to ask every time, respect no, and stop immediately whenever either person changes their mind.
What future do we each want, how will we share the roles, and when will we revisit the plan?
Love language
A conversation about fitting your lives together
Personality types can start a conversation; the two of you decide how daily life works. Open a topic and compare your real answers.
01Money and gifts
Ask each other
When would you split a date equally, and when would each pay for what they ordered?
Check pressure and boundaries
What spending or gift price would feel burdensome, and is a return gift ever expected?
Try one agreement
Before the next date, agree on a comfortable budget and how you will pay.
02Friends and time alone
Ask each other
How much time with friends, together, and alone feels comfortable in a typical week?
Check pressure and boundaries
Can either person decline a friend gathering or the publication of a photo of you together without pressure?
Try one agreement
Protect one block of personal time each and decide how to flag schedule conflicts.
03Daily tasks and care
Ask each other
Which recurring task would each of you like to take on, and which feels hard?
Check pressure and boundaries
What sign would tell you the split has become unfair or exhausting?
Try one agreement
Choose one task to divide this week, then check the workload together next week.
04The pace of future plans
Ask each other
Which next step, travel, living together, or a longer plan, would you like to discuss now?
Check pressure and boundaries
Which decision are you not ready for or do not want?
Try one agreement
Without rushing a decision, choose when to revisit the conversation and what to ask then.
Love notes for both types
01
How they show love
SLUENThe Energetic Explorer
You express love by giving your full attention to the moments you share. You immerse yourself in your time together and try to make it memorable. You tend to show your feelings generously without being calculating, so the other person feels very special in a short time.
SLUANThe Person of Conviction
You express love intensely. When someone interests you, you do not hide it and quickly become deeply involved in their life. Relationships without much passion do not interest you. You open your heart to someone who can pursue something wholeheartedly with you and share its emotional ups and downs.
02
What they need
SLUENThe Energetic Explorer
You need a partner who does not read the stretches of lowered intensity as cooling. Someone who will hold out with you, knowing your temperature naturally rises and falls and that the relationship holds through the low stretches too. And someone who likes that energy rather than trying to calm you down.
SLUANThe Person of Conviction
You need a partner who respects your energy and your direction. A partner who sees you as someone “to be corrected”, or expects you to become milder or more considerate, burns the relationship out fast. What lasts is a relationship with someone who is not afraid of your intensity and in fact finds it interesting, someone with a fairly independent and strong self of their own.
03
How closeness unfolds
SLUENThe Energetic Explorer
The opening is overwhelming. In a short time the relationship travels a long way. Then a stretch where the energy sinks often follows, and again and again you misread that stretch as a problem with the relationship and end it yourself. Boredom ends your relationships more often than conflict does.
SLUANThe Person of Conviction
You start fast and hot. You are often ahead of the speed they can follow. When the relationship quietens you read that calm as cooling, and sometimes you are the one to put distance first. In conflict you do not retreat and go straight at it, so sometimes they are startled by that intensity and the relationship as a whole starts to feel heavy to them.
04
What to mind in the relationship
SLUENThe Energetic Explorer
It is worth experiencing how the intense beginning of a relationship changes into a different kind of closeness. When the initial excitement settles, the relationship does not disappear; it becomes closer. Going through that stage together without running away builds a kind of trust and intimacy you have not known before.
Make a habit of telling your partner how you feel. A simple sentence such as ‘I'm feeling less energetic right now’ allows the relationship to last.
SLUANThe Person of Conviction
Your partner needs to know that your intensity is interest, not an attack. A forceful tone means that you take the relationship seriously.
Even so, there is something for you to work on: try saying the same thing in a lower voice and notice that your feelings still come across when you speak less forcefully.
05
What triggers the guard
SLUENThe Energetic Explorer
A reaction rises when you are asked to fit a mold and when your emotional expression is pointed at as excessive. In particular, “why go that far?” sounds like your entire way of being is being refused.
SLUANThe Person of Conviction
Your guard rises when you feel controlled and when your judgment is treated lightly. In particular “calm down a bit” does not settle the feeling at all; it makes you weigh the entire relationship again.
06
How distance shows up
SLUENThe Energetic Explorer
You express your feelings immediately and intensely. They pass just as quickly, but the impact of that strong expression stays with the other person much longer. While they are still affected by it, you have already moved on to another feeling.
SLUANThe Person of Conviction
It shows immediately. Your face and tone change first, and if it comes to it you will put the whole future of the relationship on the table right there. Looking back later you realize that what you actually wanted to say in that moment was far simpler.
07
What brings them back
SLUENThe Energetic Explorer
You recover when the two of you do something together again. A shared laugh helps recovery happen faster than a long explanation. Because you recover quickly, though, you need to practice waiting for the other person to recover at their own pace.
SLUANThe Person of Conviction
You recover when they do not retreat and stay where they are. That stance of “even so, I'm here” works far more powerfully than an apology. Once recovered, you are usually the one who throws out the first joke to bring the air back.
Quality time
Words of affirmation
Physical touch
Acts of service
Receiving gifts