What 'Social Self' & 'Private Self' Mean
The Me Outside and the Me Inside Are Both the Real Me
Gaming words for a main character and an alt have come to mean, in personality talk, the you around people and the you alone: your social self and your private self. Here's where the terms come from, their three uses, and why both are the real you.
The “you” in this story, is it really you? See my Social & Private self · free →
At lunch, the coworker at the next desk quietly shows you their phone screen. It's an account where they post the drawings they make every weekend, and they've never once mentioned it at work. “This is my bukae,” they say, using the Korean slang for an alt character. That evening, sitting across from an old friend, just the two of you, you hear this: “You're a completely different person in a crowd than you are right now. It's like you've got a separate bonkae and bukae.”
You heard the same words twice in one day, but they pointed at different things. One was about a hobby, and the other was about personality. In this piece, we'll go step by step through where bonkae and bukae come from, what they mean today, and how best to read these two words when talking about personality. In English, we call them your social self and your private self.
From games to everyday language
Bonkae is short for “main character,” and bukae for “sub character.” In online games, your bonkae is the main character you pour the most effort into leveling up, and your bukae is a separate character you create to try a different class or a different style of play. There's one player at the controls, but each character has different stats, different skills, and a different crowd it runs with.
The words spread far beyond games when variety shows began calling a performer's appearances under a different name and concept their bukae. Today their uses fall into three broad branches.
| Use | Bonkae (main) | Bukae (alt) | How you'd hear it |
|---|---|---|---|
| Games | The character you mainly level up | A separate backup character | “Let's just play one round on my alt today” |
| Work and hobbies | The you on your business card | Your after-work activities, an account under another name | “On weekends I live as my bread-baking alt” |
| Personality | The you around people | The you alone | “The gap between your social self and private self is huge” |
The second and third uses are easy to mix up. A hobby bukae is something you make on purpose. You open a new account and give it a name. But a personality bukae isn't something you make. It's the temperament that was there all along, showing through without any effort once everyone has gone home and you're left alone. When this piece talks about the social self and the private self, it means this third sense.
Why is the outer you the main character?
Some people ask, “The real me is the me when I'm alone, so why is that one the alt?” It's completely understandable to feel that way. Here, main and alt aren't names that decide which side is more real. They're closer to names based on which side gets seen more often.
In a game, your main is the character you're logged in as the longest, and other players remember you as that character. Think back over your day and the outer you works the same way. You spend a good share of your waking hours among people, and coworkers and acquaintances know you that way. Your alt just has fewer people watching; it isn't a less important or less real character.
If you've played games, you might remember feeling more relaxed on your alt. On your main you have to play the role your teammates expect, but on your alt you can do whatever you like. The personality version is similar. The private self is the temperament that shows up when you've stepped away from expectations for a while.
How is it different from “persona” or “two-faced”?
A few words look similar to social self and private self. Their meanings seem to overlap, but they carry quite a different feel.
Persona originally referred to the mask an actor wore in ancient theater. So it strongly suggests a face you put on to fit a role, a surface that disappears when you take it off. Your social self and private self aren't masks; they're characters. Just as a game character grows with the time you put in, both characters have grown with the life you've lived.
Two-faced is usually said as a criticism. It implies that someone said one thing to your face and did another behind your back, and fooled someone in the process. The social self and private self carry no such meaning. Someone who's friendly out in the world and quiet when alone hasn't fooled anyone.
That's why these terms, light as they sound, are actually quite fair. They don't put down either side, and they let you call both of them you.
What separates the two characters is who's watching
The biggest difference between the outer you and the inner you is whether someone is watching. When someone is watching, we adjust our temperament little by little. At a gathering we turn up our sociability and speak first, and in a meeting we turn up our accommodation and go along with other people's opinions. When no one is watching, we set that adjusting down too.
That's why the difference between the two characters is usually large on just a few traits.
- If you take meeting notes more carefully than anyone but your desk at home has been a mess for weeks, your two characters are far apart on organization.
- If you're the one who keeps conversations going at gatherings but feel fine going a whole weekend without contacting anyone, they're far apart on sociability.
- If you easily go along with others' opinions in meetings but have firmer taste than anyone when choosing things on your own, they're far apart on accommodation.
- If you're unfazed by praise and hurtful comments alike out in the world but those words linger in your mind for a long time when you're alone, they're far apart on emotionality.
The distance between the two characters is called the self-gap. A short distance means you're the integrated type, and a long one means you're the divergent type. Neither is better. If you'd like to read in more detail which traits your gap opens widest on, continue with Social self and private self: why do I become a different me with different people?
Using these words well in everyday life
Social self and private self are casual terms, but used well, they become a tool for seeing yourself and others a little more accurately.
- Instead of asking about the “real me,” ask which setting you mean. “I'm quiet in a crowd, but when I'm alone my head is busy and I'm actually chatty” is far more accurate than “I'm just introverted.” Once one sentence splits into two settings, explaining yourself gets easier.
- A first impression of someone only reaches their social self. If a coworker seems cold at work, what you've seen is their social self. With the people close to them, they may be completely different. Thinking this way makes you less likely to decide who someone is from a single first impression.
- Being shown someone's private self is a sign you've gotten close. If a friend starts video calling you in their pajamas one day, they haven't stopped making an effort; you've become someone they can bring their private self out with. It's not a reason to feel slighted but a reason to be glad.
- On days you spend a long time as your social self, make time for your private self. On days when your social self stays switched on for hours, like a presentation or an event, don't stack plans back to back. You need time to return to your private self so your social self can switch back on the next day.
How not to read this
- It doesn't mean your social self is a mask and your private self is your bare face. The you who looks after people out in the world is also using temperament that's truly in you. You aren't faking something that isn't there.
- It doesn't mean your private self is secondary, either. The alt label is just a name that came from games, not a ranking of importance.
- A big difference doesn't make you two-faced, either. It's closer to meaning you have a wide range for bringing out the traits each setting needs.
- It doesn't mean your codes are boxes that lock you in, either. The two codes are coordinates showing where your temperament sits during this period of your life. When your setting changes, the coordinates move too.
Keeping both as you
What makes social self and private self such comfortable terms is that you don't have to choose between them. The you who laughs easily out in the world and the you who quietly sinks into stillness alone are characters played by the same person. Instead of asking which one is real, once you know what temperament each character has, you doubt yourself less in any setting.
The free personality test asks separately about the you around people and the you alone, and shows them as two codes. Take a look at which traits your social self and private self sit close together on and which they're far apart on.
This piece is meant to help you understand yourself; it's not a diagnosis that pins down your personality.
The “you” in this story, is it really you?
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