What 'Social Self' & 'Private Self' Mean

The words “social self” and “private self” get used a lot these days. They originally came from gaming, but now they've become everyday words pointing to the me outside and the real me. But what exactly do the social self and private self mean, and why do the two live together inside one person? In this piece, I'll unpack what they mean and why both are 'the real you.'

What do the social self and private self mean

In gaming, the social self (main character) is the main character you mostly raise, and the private self (alt character) is a sub-character you make on the side. As this phrase carried over into talk of personality and identity, it came to be used like this:

• Social self: the me that shows on the outside. The social face, the me others know, the face I pull out to fit a role.
• Private self: the me inside. The me when alone, the me only close people know, the unfiltered, real texture.

Someone friendly and professional at work who collapses limp at home, someone high-energy in front of friends who's calm when alone: this is the social self and the private self. The two aren't a contradiction; they're two real faces everyone has.

Why are there two inside one person

A person pulls out different faces depending on the situation. This isn't pretense, it's adaptation.

• On the outside, you show a tuned me (social self), adjusted to roles and relationships.
• On the inside, you return to a relaxed me (private self) that has set that tuning down.

For some people the two are close, and for others quite far apart. The farther the distance, the more “the me outside” and “the real me” feel different, and you sometimes get confused: “Which one is the real me?” But the answer is both are real. The social self is the me I live out, and the private self is the me within me.

What's good about seeing yourself through outer & private self

When you see personality through only one type (like a single MBTI type), it can't hold the difference between “the me in front of others” and “the me when alone.” That's why test results feel “half right and half wrong.”

Looking at the social self and private self separately changes that.

• The answer to “Why do I become a different me depending on the person?” comes into view.
• It explains why you drain on the outside and recharge when alone.
• It also makes sense of the dating and relationship pattern of “good in front of others but different one-on-one.”

When you see yourself not as one box but as two textures, a dimensional picture forms that makes you think, “This is the real me.”

Your outer & private self, right now

How different your social self and private self are, and what texture each one is, differs from person to person. When you know your two faces, you can accept both the me outside and the me inside more easily. Neither one is fake; both are you.

Meet your social self and private self with the free personality test. You'll see at a glance how the me outside and the me inside differ, and how the two make up one you.

This piece is meant to help you understand yourself; it's not a diagnosis that pins down your personality.

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Worth reading together

• Why the me in front of people differs from the me when alone
• A different me comes out with different people, it's adaptation, not pretense
• When MBTI doesn't fit, seeing personality as five textures instead of one box