Outer Self and Inner Self — Why Do I Become a Different Me With Different People?
Why a different me pops out in front of coworkers, friends, and a partner each time. A warm look at self-discovery through your outer self and inner self.
The me at work, the me among friends, the me in front of family, and the me in front of someone I like. Clearly the same person, yet somehow a slightly different me pops out each time. "So who's the real me?" — a thought that surfaces now and then.
Let me say it up front: all of those faces are the real you. It's just that the "me" that steps forward differs from situation to situation. We call this the outer self and the inner self.
What are the outer self and inner self?
Your outer self is the "default me" that shows up most often and most comfortably day to day. It's the version that comes out when you act naturally, without any particular tension.
Your inner self is "another me" that only wakes up in certain situations or relationships. Like the usually quiet person who suddenly talks a lot in front of a favorite topic, or the buttoned-up person who completely lets their guard down only in front of a certain someone.
The inner self isn't a mask. It's a grain that was clearly inside you all along — usually locked away, opening its door under certain conditions.
Your inner self isn't "fake"
Many people feel guilt or confusion when they notice "a me that acts differently with each person." Am I being two-faced? Do I have no backbone?
But having many grains within one person is an utterly natural thing. If anything, being able to read a situation and pull out the version of you that fits it means you're that much more perceptive and flexible.
The problem isn't pretense — it arises when you don't really know which inner selves live inside you. When you don't know, you get swept along; when you do, you can call them out at will.
Relationships wake the inner self
The inner self shows up most vividly within "relationships" in particular.
In front of one friend you become endlessly childlike, and in front of someone else you become the grown-up who takes care of everything. The same you, yet a completely different version switches on depending on the other person. So the feeling of "I like who I am when I'm with this person" often really means you like the inner self that this relationship draws out of you.
When you know your outer self and inner self, you also start to see which relationships put you at ease and which ones keep you tense.
Discovering your outer self & inner self
What outer self do you carry, and which inner self wakes up in which moments?
Answer a few questions and it can come into focus surprisingly clearly. Take the free personality test and lay out your outer self and inner self on a single page. You might just hit a moment of "Ah, so this was me."
👉 Find your outer self & inner self for free