How Do I Get Along With Someone I Don't Click With?

There's a coworker on the same project as you. You only feel at ease once the draft is done a week before the deadline, but they cram everything into the night before. And yet the result is always fine, which somehow makes it even more frustrating. As you send your third “Could you share where things are at?”, you can feel yourself turning into a nag. They, for their part, seem to think you're far too impatient. Neither of you is a bad person, but the time you spend working together feels strangely long.

This piece is for relationships like that: how to clash a little less with people you can't avoid, people whose faces you have to see every day. The key isn't deciding who's wrong. It's seeing exactly where and how you're out of step.

01It's not the whole person that doesn't fit, it's one axis

When you feel you don't click with someone, it feels as if the whole person doesn't fit. But look closely and the places where you actually clash are usually just one or two. With the coworker above, only your working pace is different. You might actually agree on the quality of the work, or on where to go for lunch.

The axes people often clash on look roughly like this.

• Planning and improvising. Some grains are only at ease once things are settled in advance; others only focus when it's crunch time.
• Direct and indirect. Some grains prefer to state the conclusion first, briefly; others prefer to leave room and come at things in a roundabout way.
• Relationships and efficiency. The high-accommodation grain checks the mood before the work; the opposite grain only feels at ease once the work is done, mood or no mood.
• Together and alone. People who refill among others and people who refill alone often clash over how to spend the weekend. Especially roommates or family.

“I just don't click with them” is a sentence with no way to fix it. “We handle deadlines differently” is a sentence with something to work on.

02Why does their behavior look like bad intent?

We translate other people's behavior using our own dictionary. “If I were sitting on my hands until the night before the deadline, it would be because I was being irresponsible.” So you attach the same meaning to their behavior. They do exactly the same thing: “If I kept asking someone for progress updates, it would be because I didn't trust them.” Since each of you translates with your own dictionary, perfectly fine intentions arrive transformed into bad ones.

And once a label sticks, it doesn't come off easily. Once “irresponsible” gets attached after the first bit of friction, the work they did on time barely registers from then on, and only the late work piles up. That's why you should name the axis instead of labeling the person.

Grains also get stronger when things get busy. As the deadline approaches, the person who moves by plan wants to check in more often, and the person who focuses at crunch time goes quieter so as not to be interrupted. That's why you might get along more or less fine most of the time, then clash hard only in deadline week. So when you talk about this difference, too, it's much easier once you've caught your breath than in the thick of things.

Finally, one more thing overlaps. What we clash with is usually the other person's outer self. Someone who's all stiffness at the office may be a completely different grain when alone. The same goes for you. Someone who turns their accommodation all the way up around people is also holding back that much more, so even small friction puts them more on edge. If you get oddly touchy with just this one person, it may be less that they're especially strange and more that the share you're holding back out in the world is large.

03Same behavior, two dictionaries

This doesn't mean the right column is always the right answer. But just calling up the right column once starts to turn “What's wrong with them?” into “Ah, that's their grain.”

04A difference in grain, or a problem of attitude?

Not every friction is a difference in grain. Before using the methods, sort it out first with the questions below.

• They behave in a similar way with people other than me, too.
• When I explain my reasons, they at least try to listen.
• Our clashes are concentrated in specific situations, like deadlines or meeting times.
• Once we're out of that situation, talking is reasonably comfortable.
• They don't mock or belittle my way of doing things.

If most of these apply, it's likely a difference in grain, and it's the kind of relationship where the methods below work well. If hardly any apply, it may be a problem of attitude rather than grain. In that case, setting your distance first, rather than straining to understand them, is how you protect yourself.

05Five ways to clash less with someone you see every day

06What this doesn't mean

• It doesn't mean putting up with everything in the name of “difference.” If disrespect or insults keep happening, that's not grain; it's a problem of attitude.
• It doesn't mean forcing yourself to like someone you don't click with, either. Clashing less and getting closer are two different goals.
• Knowing someone's grain doesn't mean you know everything about them, either. Grain is a tool for interpretation, not a box to put people in.
• It doesn't mean you're the one who has to change to fit them, either. It's not about one side doing all the adjusting. It's about finding the point where the two ways meet.

07Wrapping up

There are people you don't click with everywhere. You can't change them, but once you know which axis you're out of step on and set rules for that axis alone, the same space becomes much less tiring. Think of the one person you clash with most often these days, and write down just one axis where the two of you are out of step. You can start from there. If you're curious, on the other hand, about which grains you click with, read What kind of personality actually fits me too.

The free personality test shows the you around people and the you alone separately, on five personality traits. Once you know your own personality traits first, it becomes much clearer on which personality trait you're out of step with someone. You can also go on to see where the two of you are at ease together and where you tense up.

This piece is written to help you understand yourself and does not replace psychological diagnosis or treatment.