What's Going On Inside People Who Can't Show Anger
The Anger Is There, It Just Arrives Late
For people who can't show anger, it usually arrives on a delay. In the moment, your social self keeps the scene together, and the anger only shows up once you're alone. Four traits whose anger comes late, and five ways to use swallowed anger inside a relationship.
The “you” in this story, is it really you? See my Social & Private self · free →
A friend shows up thirty minutes late, sits down, and says, “Traffic was kind of bad.” There wasn't a single message beforehand, and yet out of your mouth comes, “It's fine, I just got here too.” You talk and laugh all evening, say goodbye, and it's only when you're in the shower at home that the anger rises. “If you were going to be late, you could have at least texted.” The moment when you could have said it is already over.
People who have a hard time showing anger often get called “people who never get angry.” But look inside, and it's not that the anger isn't there. In this piece, let's talk about why anger can't come out in the moment, where swallowed anger goes, and how to bring it out in a way that doesn't wreck the relationship.
The anger is there, it just arrives late
For people who can't show anger, it usually arrives on a delay. In the moment, the you around people runs the scene. You keep the mood smooth, keep the conversation going, and laugh when it's time to laugh. Then the moment you're alone, after the curtain comes down, the anger finally arrives. The one who receives it is always the you when alone.
So not being able to show anger, strictly speaking, means the time you feel anger and the time you can say it don't line up. When the anger arrives, the other person is already gone, and when the other person is there, the anger hasn't come yet. As this mismatch repeats, from the outside you look like someone who's always smiling, while inside, the sentences you couldn't say pile up. Before falling asleep, you may replay the conversation and polish, to perfection, what you should have said. The sentences get sharper night after night, but the other person has no idea.
Four traits whose anger comes late
High on Accommodating. They feel that getting angry puts a crack in the relationship. In the moment, “the side that protects the relationship” wins almost automatically. They notice the other person's face before their own discomfort, so the anger gets pushed to the back. When “I don't want to ruin the mood over something this small” keeps repeating, their discomfort only ever gets treated as small enough to put up with. If you've been told you were such a good kid ever since you were little, you might also read Kind to Everyone, Drained When Alone, Is It Good-Child Syndrome?.
A wide emotional amplitude. They're afraid that once anger comes out, it'll be too big, so they keep the lid screwed on tight. The problem is that the lid is so tight it blocks even small anger. Words that would have been no big deal if they'd come out while small keep growing inside.
A narrow emotional amplitude. Anger doesn't come on strong; it comes faintly. In the moment, they really thought they were fine, and only days later, when they notice they're tired for no reason or that messages from that person feel like a chore, do they realize, “Oh, I was angry back then.”
High on Organized. They want to sort out their thoughts before they speak. While they're figuring out exactly what bothered them and how to say it accurately, the moment passes. By the time they've sorted it out, they've already missed the chance to bring it up. That's why, for this trait, one sentence comes in handy: “Let me think about it and we'll talk again.” It leaves a chance to speak without having to reach a conclusion on the spot.
Signs of swallowed anger: check for yourself
Think back over the past month and pick the lines that apply to you.
- I replay finished conversations at home and rewrite what I should have said.
- I get strangely, intensely irritated at little things.
- When a certain person's name pops up on my screen, my body tenses up first.
- “It's fine” comes out of my mouth before I've even thought about it.
- One day, out of nowhere, I want to cut that relationship off completely.
If several lines apply, it means the anger hasn't disappeared; it's piled up. Swallowed anger usually goes to one of three places. When it turns toward you, it becomes self-blame: “Am I too sensitive?” When it turns toward the wrong person, it becomes pointless irritation you take out on your family. When it goes into your body, it becomes fatigue you can't explain. Pay special attention to the last line. Swallowed anger stays quiet and then one day turns into distance all at once. Wanting to cut someone off even though you never fought is often anger that missed every chance to come out small, finally coming out in its biggest form.
Anger isn't an attack, it's a signal
People who can't show anger usually treat getting angry and attacking someone as the same thing. So the moment they think about bringing up anger, they picture raised voices or the relationship ending. But anger is really closer to a signal. A signal that something you care about has been touched. Things like an agreed-upon time, the effort you put in, or your wish to be respected.
Seen as a signal, anger isn't for punishing the other person; it's for letting them know what was touched. “You made me angry” and “It bothered me that I didn't hear from you while I was waiting” come from the same anger, but they're completely different things to say. The first puts the other person on trial, and the second lets them know you.
Five ways to use anger inside a relationship
- Notice it first through your body's signals. If your jaw tightens, your shoulders rise, or you start talking faster, name it inside: “I'm a little uncomfortable right now.” You don't have to say it out loud. Just noticing it moves the time your anger arrives a little earlier each time. The signals differ from person to person. Think back to one or two days when your anger came late, and you can find the signal your body sent first that day.
- You can bring up late anger too. Anger has no expiration date. “About what happened yesterday, I know I'm bringing it up a day late, but it's been on my mind.” You can start like that. Words brought up a day later actually tend to sound calmer. If you get “Why bring it up now, it's over,” you can point to your purpose: “You're right, it's over, but I'm telling you because I'd like things to go this way next time.”
- Turn anger into a request. Inside your anger is something you want. Instead of “Why are you always late?” try “If you think you'll be late, just send me a quick line ahead of time.” Blaming invites defensiveness, while a request is more likely to invite action.
- Say it small while it's small. Something the size of “That's a little uncomfortable for me” is enough. Small anger is easy for both the one saying it and the one hearing it to take lightly. If you wait until it's big, it gets really hard to bring up. If someone is late again and again, you mention it lightly the first time, not the third.
- Write it out first, and don't send it. Write out everything you want to say in your notes app. As you write, what bothered you gets sorted out, and you'll see the one sentence you actually want to get across. This works especially well for people who need to organize their thoughts before the words come. You can delete the note when you're done. By the time you finish writing, half the anger has already been sorted out.
If a “Sure” pops out before any anger does, and that's what's hard, we talked about that separately in When You Cannot Say No.
Don't read it this way
- It doesn't mean you have to get very angry to be healthy. It's not about raising your voice; it's about letting the other person know that something bothered you.
- Not being able to show anger doesn't mean you're too nice or too weak. Your anger just arrives on a different schedule from other people's.
- On the other hand, if your anger bursts out uncontrollably and often, or swallowed anger has turned into long-lasting lethargy that makes daily life hard to manage, talk to a professional.
- If you're in a relationship where you're too afraid of the other person to even say that something bothers you, your safety comes before practicing what to say. Please reach out to someone you trust or to a professional organization for help.
Wrapping up
Inside people who have a hard time showing anger, there are a lot of unspoken sentences. Those sentences don't disappear; sooner or later, they come out somewhere. So instead of trying to get rid of anger, practice bringing it out a little earlier and a little smaller. Even anger that arrived late is plenty useful when you bring it up a day later. The first time or two may feel awkward, but once you've seen for yourself that saying something bothers you doesn't make a relationship fall apart, it gets much easier from there.
The free personality test shows the you around people and the you when alone on five personality traits, separately. Seeing where you land on Accommodating and Emotional in each of those two situations shows where your anger gets stuck and when it arrives.
This piece is meant to help you understand yourself and does not replace psychological diagnosis or treatment.
The “you” in this story, is it really you?
See my Social & Private self · freeFree · Start without sign-up